Not many people understand abuse. The affect that verbal and emotional abuse has on a person is significant. Especially if that person is a child.
I really can’t remember much of what happened as a child. I have a few stories about my dad screaming at me for leaving my bike somewhere in my neighborhood. Being in complete fear as we went to go find it. Being in fear of leaving a light in the house on or putting my feet on the couch.
There is a lot of stories that I can’t remember but my older sister told me and that I could not remember. I think I pushed it so far back because I didn’t want to remember these experiences. My sister said my dad screamed at me for crying at funerals. Or that he yelled at me when I fell into a creek.
I grew up with my mom and grandma saying, “Why can’t you move on from the past?”
I don’t want to live in the past, but the way my dad treated me became the way I treated myself. I hated myself. I criticized myself. I thought i was nothing.I thought I was a loser. I thought I was ugly. I thought I wasn’t good enough. I was scared of everything and everyone. I was scared to make mistakes.
The way I was treated as child became my internal dialogue as a teenager and young adult. I felt worthless, shameful, whenever I made mistakes. I made more mistakes because I didn’t have self-esteem. I found myself trying to be with this guy or that guy because I wanted to feel loved.
I was a fast runner, skinny, athletic, had a nice body and face, pretty, did well in school, go a bachelor’s and master’s degree. However, I didn’t see any of it….
It didn’t hurt that the way God was portrayed to me was also someone to fear. If you sin you better confess. “Why can’t you give God 1 hour of your week to go to church?”
It took until I was about 26 years old (in 2015 early 2016) to start the life changing process of knowing God and his Word from the Bible. I was starting the process of learning to leave behind the internal script that my childhood ingrained in me……and create a NEW internal script. One that I was starting to believe.
A script including….
“I did the best I could in the situation I was in ” (to combat the shame from my past sexual sins)
“I’m a daughter of the King” “I am beautiful” “I am valuable” (to combat insecurity)
“I am a new creation” (to combat the mistakes I continue to make)
“The Lord is my light and my salvation why should I be afraid” (to combat fear of man)