Verbal and Emotional Abuse

Not many people understand abuse. The affect that verbal and emotional abuse has on a person is significant. Especially if that person is a child.

I really can’t remember much of what happened as a child. I have a few stories about my dad screaming at me for leaving my bike somewhere in my neighborhood. Being in complete fear as we went to go find it. Being in fear of leaving a light in the house on or putting my feet on the couch.

There is a lot of stories that I can’t remember but my older sister told me and that I could not remember. I think I pushed it so far back because I didn’t want to remember these experiences. My sister said my dad screamed at me for crying at funerals. Or that he yelled at me when I fell into a creek.

I grew up with my mom and grandma saying, “Why can’t you move on from the past?”

I don’t want to live in the past, but the way my dad treated me became the way  I treated myself. I hated myself. I criticized myself. I thought i was nothing.I thought I was a loser. I thought I was ugly. I thought I wasn’t good enough. I was scared of everything and everyone. I was scared to make mistakes.

The way I was treated as child became my internal dialogue as a teenager and young adult. I felt worthless, shameful, whenever I made mistakes. I made more mistakes because I didn’t have self-esteem. I found myself trying to be with this guy or that guy because I wanted to feel loved.

I was a fast runner, skinny, athletic, had a nice body and face, pretty, did well in school, go a bachelor’s and master’s degree. However, I didn’t see any of it….

It didn’t hurt that the way God was portrayed to me was also someone to fear. If you sin you better confess. “Why can’t you give God 1 hour of your week to go to church?”

………………………………………………………………..

It took until I was about 26 years old (in 2015 early 2016) to start the life changing process of knowing God and his Word from the Bible. I was starting the process of learning to leave behind the internal script that my childhood ingrained in me……and create a NEW internal script. One that I was starting to believe.

A script including….

I did the best I could in the situation I was in ” (to combat the shame from my past sexual sins)

I’m a daughter of the King” “I am beautiful” “I am valuable” (to combat insecurity)

I am a new creation” (to combat the mistakes I continue to make)

The Lord is my light and my salvation why should I be afraid” (to combat fear of man)

Anxiety and Depression

Everybody’s anxiety/depression shows itself in different ways. Some people can’t get out of bed. Some people can’t leave their house. Some people are scared of social situations.  Some people have panic attacks. Some people have post traumatic stress disorder from a particularly significant event.

(I am in no way a professional…just have a lot of ideas and thoughts because of my struggle)

My depression manifested in guilt shame and worthlessness. I thought I was junk messed up and had no value.

My depression became the worst it ever was in 2015/early 2016 because of feelings of shame and guilt. I resorted to self-injury (hitting or banging my head) on many occasions because I was so overwhelmed with these racing, shameful,and painful thoughts.

My anxiety shows itself as racing thoughts, pleasing others, a
nd worrying about what others think of me. Social anxiety. Fear of manDifficulty with being assertive. 

For example, As a teacher, I have been scared to assert my thoughts in the classroom when my assistants disagree with me. 

Sometimes I’ve felt like imprisoned in my brain.

Sometimes anxiety and depression seem impossible to overcome.

Some people have prayed for complete healing. The truth is….God doesn’t heal everyone completely in this earthly life. I don’t think he will heal you if you just have enough Faith.

God will heal us completely in heaven …which we have to look forward to :). 

However, God has gifted people as therapists to use specific strategies like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to help others move toward healing. God has gifted scientists to create medicines to act on the brain chemicals. God has gifted doctors to help diagnose individuals with different psychiatric disorders.

These people are healers, but are far from the perfect healer our heavenly father is.

I believe in a combination of all of these things.  Medication and therapy have been helpful for me, it just has taken  a while to find the right kind.

Also, affirming God’s word over me has also helped. For example….

When I am feeling …….

fearful of another person….worried what they think of me…. I say….

“The LORD is my light and my salvation– whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life– of whom shall I be afraid?” Psalm 27:1

My mood has been like a roller coaster in the past without medication. Kinda like Nitro from Six Flags. Extreme highs and extreme lows. Now my mood swings are kinda like a baby roller coaster, less extreme. There still are setbacks, when I’m riding Nitro, but for the most part, I’m glad to be on a baby roller coaster.

Life is a journey, so is the process of healing from anxiety and depression.


Amazing Devotional

While I was at a bible camp as a counselor, we read from a His Princessdevotional called, “His Princess: Love Letters from Your King” by Sheri Rose Shepherd

This book has spoke so much to my heart and is exactly what I need at this time.

Here is my favorite page from this book so far…..

My Princess…

YOU ARE MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER

You are a daughter of the King, and not just any king. You are MY daughter, and I am the God of all heaven and earth. I’m delighted with you! You are the apple of my eye. You’re Daddy’s girl. Your earthly father may love and adore you, but his love is not perfect, because…I am love. I formed your body. I fashioned your mind and soul. I know your personality, and I understand your needs and desires. I see your heartaches and disappointments, and I love you passionately and patiently. My child, I bought you with a price so that we could have an intimate relationship together for all eternity………

Here is a link to the book, and where you could purchase it online….

His Princess

Do Not Worry

There is a song by Jason Gray called “Sparrows

Matthew 6:25-34

New International Version (NIV)

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?

……..

Birds do not worry about the future ….and God takes care of them?

Wow…..